learning, self-acceptance

GroupOn, GroupOff

It’s been well established that I LOVE a bargain, so naturally my curiosity is piqued by GroupOn and Living Social offers, which allow people to treat themselves in a fashion they can’t normally afford. Over the years I’ve tried a 2-hr. pool/billiards+drink deal (FUN!), a whole body seaweed wrap (MESSY!), acupuncture, facials, massages, new-to-me restaurants, carpet cleaning services, haircuts, hypnosis, dental cleanings, and I’ve purchased a battery-run skin brush, some Bed-Of-Nails acupressure pillows, gifts for loved ones… you get the picture. A few didn’t work out at all: Biosphere II, a shish-kabob restaurant (I hadn’t bothered to check the Yelp reviews) and the Tequila Factory – WAY the heck out of town on the Native American reservation inside the smoky casino – and unexpectedly closed when we finally got there!

The worst was the Air Duct cleaning offer, where 2 young guys showed up; one who began tramping around the house looking at the ceiling (casing the house??) while the other had me pinned in the kitchen with a bait-&-switch, since he had no intention of providing the service I’d paid for. I felt vulnerable with the dogs penned up across the house in my office and Mark away on business, and truly breathed a sigh of relief when the duo finally departed.  (I was able to get a refund from Living Social but the experience was a bit harrowing.)

One day I decided to treat myself, so I bought a $35 Groupon offer for an ionic foot bath

 

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with reflexology treatment and heaven knows what else. I’d been curious about this procedure since Mark has had such good results with using Kinoki pads every night and Ionic foot baths are supposed to be like Kinoki pads on steroids.

Dee was 10 minutes late for our appointment but then she gave me a complete tour of the facilities. I began to feel a bit hinky about things when she proudly showed off ALL of the “toys” she has for various treatments – from the Chi Machine
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to the SoQi bed
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to the DermaKinetics machine

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to the infra-red sauna…

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gizmo after gizmo, room after room for all the various treatment modalities she espouses. Dee personally provides facials, massages, BioTouch, EFT, ear coning, anti-aging LED light therapy, dermal rolling, aromatherapy, microdermabrasion, micro planing, galvanic current, wraps, peels; you-name-it, she does it!  (Made me think of the old saying, let’s just throw enough $%&T at the wall and maybe something will stick?)

She sat me in an electric massage chair (you know, where bars and rollers in the back move up and down and around), placed an infrared belt on my stomach, gave me a cup of alkalinized water and put my feet in the tub of warm water.  She told me NOT to wiggle my toes so that she could diagnose my ailments from the murky water when we were done. Then she proceeded to educate me about weight loss and why diets don’t work (hint: it’s because you don’t DETOX at the same time, so the toxins have nowhere to go, so you regain the lost weight to contain the toxins, so that your body will stay in “balance.” And all this time I thought it was due to going back to your previous way of eating that had got you fat in the first place?) After 45 minutes or so, the water looked like a very ugly, scummy pond, with slime floating on the top. Dee observed that the GREEN scum indicated that my liver was detoxing and the PURPLE scum had come from my pancreas and the BROWN from my gallbladder.  (I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my gallbladder had been removed 15 years before.)

After cleaning the scum off, my feet got to soak in some nice clean water, got rubbed for 5 minutes each with her specially homemade scrub, and then dried and powdered with her special magic powder.  All this while she explained how I’d need at least 10 sessions more of this treatment, (5 weeks at 2x/week), to see any real change. She also talked about the wonders of ISAGENIX, which I recalled is a MLM (multi-level marketing) diet-shake company.   Hmmmm….

When I got home, I flashed back to an experience I’d had 21 years ago, right after Mark and I moved back to L.A.  We’d met a composer and his wife, who had been inordinately friendly to me – as in, she was my NEW BEST FRIEND!!!  I found out why after meeting with her for what was supposed to be a coffee date but which turned out to be a MLM telephone company meeting 30 miles away with a whole slew of her fellow salespeople.  When I told her that I’d switch to her phone company but had no intention of imposing on my friends and family to get them to do likewise… pffft!  That was the end of our budding friendship!

Dee gave me the exact same vibe.

So – anybody want to hazard a guess on whether I’ll ever return for my much needed, very-expensive detoxing ala dear Dee?

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